On the darkest nights, me refugio en las estrellas

Amanda Nube

Amanda Nube

We have passed the winter solstice, the longest night of the year. And here we are, in the belly of the new year of 2020, and the moon of Tevet.

Attribute: Agitation/frustration
Medicine/Plant ally: Olive Tree
Stone: Beryl whose quality is digestion/ consumption
Incense: Aromatic Bark
Prayer: Seeing clearly – Esa Ani
Zodiac: Kid Goat, Capricorn
Letter: ע Ayyin – Eye
Body Part | Liver

Capricorn: A goat with the tail of a fish. Capricorn is a symbol of the monsters we create to face fear and create panic. It is made to protect us from monsters in our minds, lives, and immediate physical surrounding.

For me, the first nights of Chanukah this year have been the hardest and darkest I have experienced all year. Yesterday, Dec 25th, solar eclipse, and there I was weeping like a child in the laps of my children while watching “Little Women.” I just couldn’t hold it in any longer. I attempted to hold back my sentiments in attempts at strength, faith, bravery, & hope. But all that was eclpised – by dispair, grief, fear, and self effacement. You win some, you lose some. I felt bleariness and frustration welling up in my eyes.

The letter associated with Tevet is Ayin ע which means Eye. It also means wellspring, as the eye is the wellspring from which our knowing trickles forth, our perspective, our awareness, and our grief. In the words of the Zohar: The eyes weave us through the universe of dream and the universe of reality. When we shut our eyes, we dream, when we open them we realize. When we shut our eyes, we veil the obvious in order to see into the mystery, and when we open our eyes we veil the mystery in order to see into the obvious. The letter ע itself has two wings, two extensions, representative of the two ways in which the eye sees, when it is shut and when it is open.

Dec 26th, post eclipse, I sat in the beauty of the dark night, in candlelight. I sat by my window, a meditation on Ayin very present for me, eyes closed. Then, eyes open, I looked up and gazed at the stars. There was the constellation of the Pleiades, and I saw a shooting star. In that instant, my story was rewritten, my wellspring recharged.

Somehow we know that as dark and scary as things can get, there’s got to be a good story out of it, and some learning and light of wisdom. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Make, or remake the story of your soul’s outpouring, and perhaps in the story, change the narrative from that of victim to that of the humble “Tzaddik.” The stories we read from torah this time of year are ones of dreams, profecías, inflated egos, being thrown into the pit by our brothers, wisening up instead of withering away, and times of feasts and times of famines.

Today, I listened to a great podcast about growing through adversity, through the darkest of times, into your righteous self, your ever precious self. In it, Rav Mike Feuer teaches that the greatest gift we can give our children, our students, & one another is a strong sense of our unique preciousness and our own responsibility to shine in this world. When we remember our dreams, our light, then no matter what gets buried or dragged through the dirt, the seed of our self blooms into a wise and seasoned soul. (www.Elmad.pardes.org/2019/12/5780-miketz)

“Tevet energy will bring us the opportunity to see the ultimate paradox. To gain control we must relinquish control. The energy this month will push us to see everything as separated from everything else. Resist that energy by retaining the consciousness that you are not alone.” Miriam Maron.

Happy holidays, cherish your s(elf)!

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